As I sat with the pain and reflected upon my own vulnerability I could not help but hear his words echo through my mind. Those words, which had once held such great meaning, now only created questions. Pictures that used to make me smile, texts that anticipated a future we had waited so long for and songs which told the story of our relationship…now tell a different tale. I had become a supporting character and not the lead I was made to believe I was. His promises to me were being broken, and I felt my heart sink wondering if his commitment was ever truly there. Did he ever truly “see” me? Did I really ever “see” him? Did he simply provide me with an illusion similar to the one that had broken his heart…but now runs back to? Did he now become the reflection of the very person that hurt him and pain he was caused? Why had he now given that same pain to me? How could he do that? Knowing how it felt to experience such broken promises and pain…how could he justify doing the very same thing to me? But he did. Yes. I now knew that I was not “the one” I was told…rather “the option.” My heart sank even deeper, feeling devalued and betrayed yet, I still saw him with love through my eyes. The voice inside, says “How is that possible? What’s wrong with you?” Nothing is wrong with me.
The tears had welled up and I finally began to cry thinking of a life without him. Just the other day, it was a life that we were going to spend the coming weekend planning and now it was gone. I cried thinking of the apartment, which we had chosen together for the first time and remember the lease had now been broken. I envision the bed which we would not be sharing and think of the mornings and nights I would not have him by my side. I see the empty closet that would not be housing his ridiculous collection of clothing and shoes which we had joked about so often. I mourn the loss of the sacred space which held the memories of those promises made and commitments which were shared. My head dropped at the thought of that blank frame which I had purchased for our first family picture that would no longer be ours to manifest. I cried at all that is being lost, yet I find myself with no anger, rather disappointment and sadness. The voice inside says, “How are you not furious with the damage that’s been done?” I chose to believe.
The breeze picks up at the top of the mountain, and I hold myself in all my human-ness and simply allow myself to continue to feel. The mountain had been symbolic in our journey and there had been a time where we were at the top together and in those moments, nothing else mattered. He was mine and I was his. My eyes still closed, tears pouring down my face, I reflected on our connection, all the time and effort spent creating pieces of what would remain a part of who I am and who he will be forever. This connection. This love. This will always be. Each one is unique in this life and for 10+ years, you just don’t get chances or connections like that and I smile. The voice inside says, “Don’t smile! He took that connection and broke it. He took that love and threw it off the mountain! What are you thinking!?” That love will always be there.
I envision him in my head and think of the man that had once stood before me. When we looked at each other, there were often no words to be spoken, yet the eyes said it all. The touch that made our hearts skip a beat because it was a love language we both shared and could would never be replaced. Oh, those hands fit perfectly together. We were so great together. We were a team. The good times, the laughter, the playfulness…along with the not so great times, the tears and the arguments…yet always still with such respect for one another. The voice inside says, “You held on for so long and he just let you go! Screw it. You deserve better.” I had better. I was better. It was worth holding onto.
There is so much that we may often find ourselves left with…a little broken…but never shattered. You’re still here, so that’s half the battle. There are people that go through so much worse, so in that respect, today, I say, “I am blessed.” In those moments I realized my “blesson” was how deeply I could love…how hard I could love…and how far I could push myself for what I believe with all my heart and soul. We all have those moments that will push and challenge us. I also learned what it would mean to forgive. I always have. I always will. It is strength and what has and will always make me stand out. We ALL have this strength within us. Are you the victim or the victor?
This moment is mine. It is not one I would wish on anyone, but then again, we all go through moments like this in life and it’s a part of how we grow. It’s part of life. Get over it. This moment in time does not define the entire history…only this moment. So, breathe. Stay present. Yes…even in the worst of circumstances…and I mean the worst…it’s always about being able to look at the action(s) and the person(s) in two very different lights and that is always the challenge. Yet, I ask you this. Isn’t it exhausting to hold onto the anger and negativity? How much energy do you use to fuel that hate? What value does it add to your life? Then…ask yourself…What would it mean if you were able to look at your worst day and still feel love and forgiveness…even a little? Try it. Where would the rest of your energy go? How many opportunities could you open yourself up to? Do it.
We are often quick to hate, but the truth is…we hate the actions…not the person. There are reasons people end up in your life. We’ve all heard a reason, a season or a lifetime…and whatever it turns out to be…it’s because it was worth creating that connection and there were lessons to be learned. It’s a two way street and everyone has a choice. Now, what happens if you find yourself in a process of healing…if you choose to heal…is the difference between the truth of the heart and the echoes of the mind. There is where the true battle takes place. The heart feels and reflects on the memories and the emotions attached to the connection. It is a truth that is felt and often never spoken. It can be scary and make us uncomfortable but at its core…It’s peace. It’s love. It’s what allows us to believe and to trust. The mind thinks…okay…overthinks…and is often chaos. It is the voice inside that makes us question or doubt and leaves us spinning. It only echoes the hurt we are feeling in those moments and we feel will never go away…but it will. It’s hard to see it that way sometimes but it will. At the end of the day, you always have a choice of which you will listen to. Will you be empowered by the truths of heart which open up a world of opportunities? Or will you be imprisoned by the thoughts of your mind which create a false reality? “Your heart knows things that your mind can often not explain.”